Alright, hello fire in my veins, burning in my quads and lungs that feel like they’re going to fall out of my backside. All fun though, right?
This was the first race in the UK I've done at this level and actually had the potential to be competitive. It was also my first town centre crit… I can confirm, they are like no other, and then some, because The Tour Series goes above and beyond being a crit.
I wanted this to be a bit of a big break for me, I wanted all my confidence pennies to drop and meet up with my ability… to prove myself to myself, to others questioning me, to my new coach, to my team, I wanted to prove everything to everyone, and I failed.
Though, to my surprise, not because I wasn’t capable – my power and speed was that of the break ability, but because I was injured, with an injury that is so hard to comprehend and mixed with confidence pennies not dropping into the right hole.
It was as fast and furious as I could have ever imagined, it went from the gun, and if you weren’t up the front, your race was pretty much confirmed then and there and you had to pray the person in front of you could hold onto the wheel in front of them, regardless of how hard it got.
I found sprinting out of every corner torturous.
I was so far back; I was basically having to stop to turn the corners and that’s what everyone was having to do in front of me… I just did bloody intervals, in a damn race and I can tell you – it was even less enjoyable than actual intervals.
If you sat where I did, you could see the leader taking the next corner as you were still coming through the previous corner.
There were very few places to move up except the home straight – if, you could get to the front or move up quick enough before the next corner.
I thought I’d hate this circuit, but actually I loved it, I loved coming out of the final corner and hunkering down for a kick on the straight.
Yehhhh I dropped myself hard, because I'm soft mentally, like a little smiley marshmallow. People keep telling me that one day, I’ll just find all the confidence to trust the wheels in front of me… I’m still waiting and losing faith quickly.
I was scared from the get-go, I hung off the back and held the same gap for a long time – apparently that shows my strength? Who knew ha, shame it wasn’t off the front instead, but I couldn’t even get to the front through fear of being smooshed.
I then decided I was tired of chasing out of the corners, so I stopped sprinting full gas out of the corners and held my own pace, TTing my way round, which was actually fun – maybe I should give up road racing and switch to TT’s.
I did manage to win the sprint from my group, which went from about eight the three on the last lap. I guess you have to take all the little wins, I'd taken that last corner fast enough to stay second wheel and timed it perfectly to come round.
That was the first sprint, I had done completely out of the saddle and fought all the way to the line.
The crowds were electric, the circuit was anything but boring, the hour was the longest hour I’ve experienced, the fear was real, and the anxiety didn’t drop below high. My team were amazing, supportive, and fun, I just hope one day I can really earn my spot on the team.
Am I gutted? Yes, of course, I race because I enjoy being competitive, not because I enjoy participating and that’s a harsh reality.
But equally I am proud, I did that on an injury, maybe if my head was screwed on I’d have done more and not been so scared, but who knows… it’ll take me a while to find confidence in myself and a peloton again, but it’ll come and there is always next year.
Watto says this year is a super recce for me – it’s my second year of racing and I just did The Tour Series (at half capacity), how many people can say that? So for now, I will hold onto this, as a super recce year and pray I just need a little more time to find the confidence, to trust myself and those around me. I’m an untrusting, four eye'd, competitive numpty.
This time next year, I hope to re-read this and have great news.
Ride bikes, eat cake, be happy :)
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